It`s my birthday today and I`m not really glad about that at all. With another year behind me, I firmly feel like I hold one pick in the grave, all at the pit-stop age of 24. But rather than sitting around drinking whiskey and stroking my gentleman until this feeling disperses, I`m going to have it out on Scouting For Girls, naturally.
Have you ever heard a lot more dire for fame in your living?
With their high tempo songs, overly familiar chord progressions, repetitive lyrics in every fucking song so that their younger (only) fans can engage them while learning introductory mathematics, two syllable words and how to do up their own velcro shoes as good as the ever-present plagiarism - "why should we write songs from scratch when we can just sew other peoples songs together like a big musical hot dog?" - this band seem to talk about jazz and their consuming desire to be famous figures and absolutely shag all else, thus proving my entire point about this band, and having summed them up all in one fucking paragraph. Chew on that, Wikipedia, you mixed bag of accuracy and lies.
But if you`re not totally sold on this evidence yet, all you have to do is face to the following single, the inspiringly-entitled `Silly Song`, taken from the Mozart symphony of the sami name. According to Wikipedia.
Now, the call in itself is bad enough to induce mild stress-induced fits with the verse stolen straight from The Callings back pocket (ever wonder why you no longer hear `Wherever You Will Go`? It`s because SFG have stolen it and covered it up in their own horse-arse-scented spray paint) before tearing in to a chorus so bad that I had to pay a call to Dr Howard from `Eternal Sunshine Of The Immaculate Mind` to give it erased.
I'm going to get to see between your legs, Ms Dunst
Anyway, I`ve already used a wider variation of speech than the ring in subject has used in all of their lyrics, and get done since I was but one paragraph in, so let`s go on:
"Here`s a song. You can sing along too. For when I`ve gone away."
Thanks guys. Doesn`t make perfect sense to me but I`ll lead a stage when I`ve been handed one.
"It`s a silly tune. I wrote for you. You can talk it everyday."
Great. Thanks for this. A silly tune. Just what I needed. And while it`d be lovely to say that it`s the view that counts, you`ve pretty much said yourself that arse-all thought went in to this. As a result, you can assume, quite rightly, that I leave not be telling this little ditty of yours on a casual basis.
What`s this now? A Chorus? Already?
"I don`t need to give you. I don`t need to give you tonight I don`t need to give you. I don`t need to give you behind. I don`t need to give you tonight."
No shit it`s a dizzy little tune, that`s not yet a fucking chorus, it`s the voice of an overprotective mother going back to her go for the 1st time following the close of maternity leave, having to give her 6 month old in the men of somebody else.
And it`s not yet good repetition as per the "Woohoo"s of Blurs Song 2 or the wailing of "rape me" by Nirvana. It`s just shit and a complete image of a circle that actually can`t be arsed finishing the song but can`t be arsed writing another to substitute it and so use the transcript and paste function on Microsoft Windows, adding small bits at the end that kind of might perhaps close to rhyme when sang.
And what`s that I can see ahead?
Another fucking verse. Already.
"So if you`re depressed and I`m not around. And the years seem far too long. Well I`ll be there, if you`re ever scared, you can see me sing along."
WHAT?! You told me you were passing out and that`s why I was to sing along to the call and now you`re saying you`re game to talk it yourself, thus eradicating any initial need to meticulously study this carefully crafted track with its unparalleled wordsmithery unsupervised by way of hearing to it repeatedly throughout noise-cancelling headphones, minimizing the risk of my fragile, poorly constructed attention span will be dragged out to do something far more rewarding like drinking a cup of java that I made several years ago but forgot about or looking at this bird:
Majestic
Then they double the chorus again meaning a number of some 14 words are used. Probably. I`m not counting. Fuck that. Middle section please.
"And I know it`s hard."
"But life`s a bit like that."
"When it pulls you kill and stabs you in the back."
"I didn`t know you`d be asleep for so long. I didn`t know you`d be asleep for so long. I didn`t know you`d be asleep for so long. I didn`t know you`d be asleep for so long."
Goddamn it, you`re like a broken record playing to a background of a thousand parrots trapped within a dog that`s been waiting all day for his owner to pass from work. And if I`m not mistaken, I wasn`t going anywhere, it was you that announced your release in the real first course of this fucking song. If you`re acting like this now, how are you release to be when senility comes a-knocking on your brains door?!
And that`s essentially it before the continuous repetition of the argument "I don`t need to give you, I don`t need to give you tonight" finally fucks off, taking the call with it, proving to any doubters that this song truly is a pathetic song. Or a terrible track. Or a complete cunt to mind to.
But as if the repeat of this last line wasn`t bad enough, what we get here is a lot with a target audience of young girls who have now teamed up with Nestle (the ring have teamed up with Nestle, not the new girl) in place to let those that buy Kit Kats to follow a free 3D video of the band. Now, it doesn`t have a star to see that Scouting For Girls are in this to use the big advertising campaign from the biscuit-mongers while Kit Kat are in it to increase sales to younger people, steering away from their target market of adults that are contented with two small fingers rather than four fat ones, as many younger girls are enjoying in more than one sense these days, proving that the band don`t care whether or not their target market get fat and fall into a lifespan of diabetes and multitude of an average weight calling them disgusting, as tenacious as they`re fucking famous.
"Buy our CD or we'll shag your mothers"
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